Me, Family, Friends, Life

HAPPY fucking birthday to me…

never thought i would get completely shit faced at a managers house…totally worth it! much needed. fuck you jesse, you have shitty shitty shitty timing to do whatever you did, i swear to god if this fucks up our summer were gonna have a problem cause im going to have a mental break down.

So sick if crying…

so fucked up, but thats not why i feel good…shes why i feel good. happy. nervous. cant wait for tomorrow, working with her all night is gonna make after work seem like a lifetime away :\ :)

Bingo buddy, didnt wanna see that at 5 am

when the person you want to be with the most doesnt think of you in that way.

you think…

you think know what cares, you think you make no one happy. well i care, and you make me happy.

flashbacks

had a stage of legit pill popping a year or so ago, good think im leaving Arizona this summer cause i’d be fucked if i wasnt, not a good path to go down but it feels soooooo good

fuck fuck fuckity fuck

if i could kill that motherfucker i would do it in a heart beat!

interesting night..aka shitty night.


showed up to Culvers and the guy who was supposed to close the dining room and allow me to leave at 11 instead of 1130 DIDNT show up, so i was doing register and cleaning the dining room. then when i go on break i get a text from Kellie saying “why am I so stupid” with a picture attached. before i look at the pic i tell her this better not make my night worse than it already is, she responds by saying, “then dont look at it.”  but i open the picture before i get the message. its a picture of her wrist with the word love CARVED into it, and lines of blood below it. this is how our conversation goes:

ME: why? why? why? why? why?!

HER: My heart hurts.

ME: Who? What?

HER: Ryan. Jenn. My grandma.

ME: I don’t mean to make your night worse, but g night Kellie.

ME: I am going to call you. Dont answer. and listen to your messages.

HER: Okay.

not word for word, but i pretty much said that when we started talking again after all the bull shit that happened between us, my one condition was that if she thought about Jenn in a way that Kellie liked Jenn, she and I were through! that she knows I care about her and I’m always here for her, but that was my ONE fucking condition.

That she and I and a person who wont be named were all becoming cool again and the fact that she cut herself for Jenn, was screwing me and this other person over.

That I dont want to quit talking, but I told her to choose a person and if its not gonna be me, its gonna suck.

not part of what I told her.

My point is I stood up for her, i cared about her, I loved her… but when shes gonna choose someone who hates me and fucked her over, didnt care for her in the tiniest bit, I don’t know what to do. This is what I get for living 1500 miles away. Its bull shit. fucking bull shit!

at the end of my message i told her to respond through text, but she didnt.

This is gonna make my summer TOTALLY SUCK!

dont ask!!!

Fighting myself constantly

I want what I cant have

Reality is a bitch, but I wont ever try anything

She makes my brain hurt

Trusts me to be her friend

Kell dont let me fuck us up, no matter what!

I dont wanna lose you as a friend

Striking, strong, and amazing

Shit this spells out everything!

Would you let you feelings about a friend, effect your friendship to the point where you quit talking?

it hurts unbelievably bad when they talk about their love lifes…and then when SHE apologizes cuz she knows me well enough that I’m thinking “IDONTWANNAHEARTHIS IDONTWANNAHEARTHIS”, but I still respond with, dont be sorry I’m alright I can handle your stories….I cant